i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
