Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
