My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
