I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
