Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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