Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
