I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
