I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
A+ Viking dick
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
