new low.... made out with someone while peeing
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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