if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
