I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
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