I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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