just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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