why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
