So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
