Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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