Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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