So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
