I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
