You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
