My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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