It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
