So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize