It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
then he tried to convert me to islam
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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