It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
