my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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