I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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