It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
