There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
