dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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