I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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