Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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