guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
