Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Drake has all the answers
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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