I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
