so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
