Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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