he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
