I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
