my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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