evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
love makes seman taste better
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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