dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
