I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
