he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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