not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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