i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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