We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
