Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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