I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
