I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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