Four minutes until I can fart!
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
