Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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