so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
