So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just sucked dick on a ferry
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
