Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
