Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
