She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
