I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
