you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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