You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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