I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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