i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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