did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
