how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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