So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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