i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
