M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
