Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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