Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
